Queen Vic (Let's Do It)
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Today is Queen Elizabeth's 90th birthday, and the media is awash with fawning coverage. Yesterday, queen of entertainment Victoria Wood died. This is a respectful reworking of Victoria Wood's classic Ballad of Freda and Barry (Let's Do It).

Freda and Barry sat one day
Debating the issues that came their way
Freda thinks equality's the way ahead
But Barry likes Harry and so he said ...

Let's keep them, let's keep them
They really are a lovely lot
Retain them, proclaim them
Republicans should all be shot
She's a lady, not maybe
I burst with national pride each time they have a baby
Let's do it - let's keep the royals

But she said ...
Let's scrap them, let's scrap them
They're a relic of a time gone past
Let's scratch them, dispatch them
Run the red flag up the mast
Let's ditch them, unhitch them
Loads of folk are starving while they're filthy rich, them
Let's do it - let's scrap the royals

But he said ...
She's marvellous, so marvellous
I'm buying all the souvenirs
Stuff democracy, love aristocracy
The monarchy and all the peers
Our mission: preserve tradition
We'll lock you in the Tower if you spread sedition
Let's do it - let's keep the royals

But she said ...
Let's lose them, we can't use them
The monarchy is quite perverse
They're reigning, they're draining
Money from the public purse
It's not malice, a golden chalice
And squillions of quid on every bloody palace
Let's do it - let's scrap the royals

And he said ...
The Queen rules! The crown jewels
Are really lovely bits of bling
Love Georgie, love corgis
I've loving every little thing
Stay loyal, don't spoil
Relations with the Saudis and secure their oil
Let's do it - let's keep the royals

And she said ...
Let's chop them, let's drop them
They're a bastion of privilege
We feed them but don't need them
They're living off the Civil List
Let's scrap them, disenact them
Send them to the dole queue with a benefit sanction
Let's do it - let's scrap the royals

But he said ...
You purists forget the tourists
They only come here for the Windsors
I'm knitting for Britain
The union flag's up in my windows
Let's not be jumpin' to dump them
If we had a President it might be Donald Trump, then
You'd want to keep the royals

And she said ...
That's a fair point, but a scare point
It surely wouldn't be that bad
If all selection were by election
Then that would make me feel quite glad
The royal entity's hereditary
It surely has no place in the twenty-first century
Let's do it - let's scrap the royals

But he said ...
She's sprightly for Blighty
The way she waves is hard to beat
She preaches, gives speeches
I'd love to kiss her royal feet
Prince Andrew's pimps are all wimps
I've camped out here since Monday for a second's glimpse
Let's do it - let's keep the royals

And she said ...
It's wrong though they no longer
Behead their rivals at the Tower
It's not only ceremony
They still hold back substantial power
They've failed you
Australia
It's only forty years ago their governor nailed you
Let's do it - let's scrap the royals

Let's cut them, let's shut them
Out of all the headline news
Hear much less about the duchess
The dress she's wearing and her shoes
Work smartly, act sharply
Send a workers' militia to their garden party
Let's do it - let's scrap the royals

Yeah let's scrap the royals!