Festive Funnies

Some daftly-rewritten Christmas odes :-)

The Jeremy Kyle Nativity Rap

We’ve had a call from Joseph down in Royal David’s City
His fiancée’s had a baby – but now things aren’t looking pretty
We've heard some crazy stories in this studio before
But when they told me this one, well it really dropped my jaw
This’ll be a new direction for our famous lie detection
“My girlfriend said she’s pregnant through immaculate conception”

Rudolf the Unionised Reindeer

Rudolf the unionised reindeer
Was sick of being bullied at work
The other reindeer in his workplace
Kept calling him a red-nosed jerk
They excluded him from workplace banter
And made him feel so sad and small
So Rudolf the unionised reindeer
Didn't like his job at all

Away In A Palace

Written for Prince George, then still a foetus, in 2012 - to the tune of Away In A Manger:

It won’t need a manger,
a crib or a bed
For the new royal baby
to lay down its crowned head

The stars and the tyrants
will come and give praise
The little future monarch
whose patronage pays

We Three Kings

A variation on a festive favourite - to the tune of We Three Kings Of Orient Are:

We three kings of austerity be
IDS, Gideon and David C
Finding ways
To make you pay
For capitalism's misanthropy

Oh-oh
Cuts by daytime, cuts by night
Cuts that hurt and cuts that bite
It's so thrilling
To save each shilling
It truly is a lovely sight

Michael Gove Is Coming to Town

More of a Christmas carol than a poem, dedicated to our later, unlamented Education Secretary, and set to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming to Town:

You'd better not hope, dream or aspire
Stay in your place, you won't get any higher
Michael Gove is coming to town

You'd better brush up on traditional skills
Caning and Latin and military drills
Michael Gove is coming to town

While Bishops Washed Their Frocks

Shortly before Christmas 2012, the Church of Engalnd voted not to allow women to become bishops. The decision to allow women bishops - with some qualification - was taken around two years later.
To the tune of While Shepherd's Watched Their Flocks ...

While bishops washed their frocks by night
All seated on the ground
An edict from the Synod came down
"It's still just men allowed"

Bad Mayor Boris

To the tune of Good King Wenceslas:

Boris Johnson once looked out
Across the River Tha-ames
In one direction poverty
The other gold and ge-ems
People slept on streets that night
Though the frost was cru-el
And pensioners in freezing flats
Who can't afford the fu-u-el 

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