Classy If You’re Posh, Trashy If You’re Not
Enormous TVs, arriving late,
living on handouts from the state
Owning a gun, dealing drugs,
plastic surgery, demonstrative hugs
Messing up at school, living in a squat,
dropping out of uni, lounging on a yacht
Talking loudly in public, not paying tax,
double-barrelled surnames, hanging out in packs
Big birthday bashes, parties with themes,
eating candy floss, cupcakes or ice creams
Eating with your fingers, eating off a tray,
being in debt, letting other people pay
When someone says they’re skint, telling them you’re skinter,
having a tan, especially in winter
Flying out on holiday to sun-drenched places,
having parents and siblings of different races
having a tan, especially in winter
Flying out on holiday to sun-drenched places,
having parents and siblings of different races
Piercings, dyed hair, nails, tattoos,
drinking stronger-than-average booze
Going to rehab to cure your addictions,
anti-depressants and similar prescriptions
drinking stronger-than-average booze
Going to rehab to cure your addictions,
anti-depressants and similar prescriptions
Casual violence of various sorts
Wearing sports gear when not playing sports,
or clothes that you bought from a second-hand stall,
or designer clothes, or any clothes at all
Wearing sports gear when not playing sports,
or clothes that you bought from a second-hand stall,
or designer clothes, or any clothes at all
Making bad puns and thinking that you’re witty,
naming your baby after a city,
or a country, or a car, or a gemstone or a wine
Driving too fast and incurring a fine
naming your baby after a city,
or a country, or a car, or a gemstone or a wine
Driving too fast and incurring a fine
Wars over territory, encroachments and land grabs
Several dogs, big dogs, small dogs in handbags,
staffies, Dobermans, pitbulls, Alsatians,
Getting it on with your friends and relations
Several dogs, big dogs, small dogs in handbags,
staffies, Dobermans, pitbulls, Alsatians,
Getting it on with your friends and relations
Distant fathers, inadequate mothers,
having babies with various others
Living in a caravan, living like a libertine,
age-gap relationships, riding in a limousine
having babies with various others
Living in a caravan, living like a libertine,
age-gap relationships, riding in a limousine
Telling your life story, pouring out your heart,
highly emotional, personal art
Wallowing in misery, drinking jeroboams –
and worst of all – writing poems.
