Hating Tories

Grant Shapps

He talks and he craps

But often gets confused

About which end he's used

There once was a Tory, his name is Neil Parish
Attracted to tractors in "a moment of madness"
And now Mrs P is extremely embarrassed

A big-wheeled beauty with a powerful horn
Harvesting hot stuff down in the corn
Who wouldn't love agricultural porn?

He was taken aback
by a slice of flapjack
Spliced by an iced bun
that jumped him for fun

And the poor bloke was wholly
jammed by a roly poly
He was knocked quite agog
by a shocking chocolate log
He was stunned by a lunge
from a moreish Victoria sponge
Wrapped up like a noodle
by a furtive apple strudel

Bring your own booze
Bring your own excitement
Bring your own rules
Bring your own entitlement
Bring your own germs
Bring your own immunity
Bring your own free pass
to party with impunity

Our public sewage industry
was sold to private bidders
Who don't dispose of putrid waste
but dump it in the rivers

They take responsibility
and flush it down the loo
For building up the affluent
builds effluence up too

The Tories' excremental sale
saw treatment work neglected
As income goes to bonuses
so beaches are infected

Owen Patterson

takes envelopes with splatters on

One hundred grand and he'll do your bidding

Fit for public office? You've got to be kidding.

A classic of Great British humour
Slapstick, slap-and-tickle,
caught on candid camera

And everyone likes to see
the bad guy get his comeuppance,
don't they?

But there is something of
the gangster genre
about it too

where Al Capone is brought down
for his dishonest affairs
not for the cruel and unnecessary deaths on his watch

My profit margin's wracked with doubt
My tax demands encumber
I think I know a good way out -
Now, where is Johnson's number?

I manufacture hoovers, mate,
but with a bit of luck
I'm sure I'll make them ventilate
and blow instead of suck

I'll slip the goods through Pirate Bay
and ship them up the Humber
While Customs look the other way -
Now, pass me Johnson's number

Some people know what it is worth.

Some people can now buy fresh fruit.
Or keep the heating on for another hour.
Some people can get a decent present
for the kiddo's birthday.
Or a coat when winter comes in.
Some people don't always have to make an excuse
when their mate invites them out.