I’m going to write a to-don’t list
Of things that I’m not going to do
And tick them off when I’ve not done them
Draw sad face by ones that I do
The first thing that’s on my to-don’t list
Is “Write lists of things I must do”
I’d only get down and despondent
By just getting part the way through
Rick Astley has got a to-don’t list
The best one that’s been written, ever
He’s not just committed to don’t-do
But to doing these felonies never
– Give you up, Let you down, Run around, Desert you
– Make you cry, Say goodbye, Tell a lie, Hurt you
Now some of what’s on my to-don’t list
I do need a prompt to desist
But others I’d never do ever –
They’re just there to brighten my list
So here goes … My to-don’t list …
Deploy an apostrophe wrongly
Correct every fault that I see
Put down my false eye in the dog’s reach
Consume too much food when it’s free
Vote Tory. Watch Top Gear. Stop fighting
Set foot on the grass. Waste my time
Stand up for the National Anthem
Insist that a poem must rhyme
Or scan
Panic
Disturb
Forget my keys, Oyster card, phone or knickers
Go along with so-called banter which is actually bullying
Iron anything, ever
Eat meat
Smack my kids
Use the phrases ‘Now then’ or ‘Yeah, no’
Buy a pedigree dog when there are strays needing homes
Cross a picket line, ever
Worry – be happy
Stop the music
Stop me now
Stop believin’
Need this pressure on
(Need this) fascist groove thang
Need money, take fame, need no credit card to ride this train
Take my partner for granted
Take my parents for granted
Turn into my parents
Wear socks with sandals –
(Apparently, it isn’t cool)
Give a monkey’s
Leave my iPad in the garden
Drink too much, ever again
Interrupt, unless necessary
Apologise, unless actually sorry
Smoke, unless I’ve drank too much (see above)
Support Crystal Palace, unless they’re playing Manchester United
Make exceptions, ever
Mind if I do
Make peace with the system
Stop asking questions
Play really stupid computer games for hours on end
Google my name more than once a week
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Keep a dog and bark myself
Teach my granny to suck eggs
Throw the baby out with the bathwater
Count my chickens
Go there
Do that
Call us, we’ll call you
Let the bastards grind me down, ever
Don’t think my to-don’t list’s instructions
Are to anyone other than me
But if you would like to nick any
I might recommend just these three:
– Vote Tory
– Cross a picket line
– Iron anything, ever.
