Once Upon a Tory Time

Despite our crusade to screw the low-paid
And the jobless and sick in our midst
They’re parading their crimes in our nursery rhymes
And in fairy tales told to our kids

We just can not pander to this vile propaganda
So my job as benefits minister
Is to go through each rhyme, taking one at a time
And eliminate anything sinister

Let’s start with Miss Muffett, who sits on that tuffet
Eating her curds and her whey
Get up, you slob! And go find a job!
Or we’ll take your dole money away!

And Little Jack Horner – he sits in the corner
Not paying attention in lessons!
If he keeps on like that, he’ll be failing his SATs
And we’ll see him in magistrates’ sessions

Hansel and Gretel – they’re testing my mettle
Those names sound quite foreign to me
A pair of young NEETs in a house made of sweets?
Put them in youth custody!

That Jack and that Jill, they went up a hill – 
I suppose that they think I am thick
Saying Jack’s fallen down and he’s broken his crown
And now he’s signed off on the sick

That young goody-goody, Red Riding Hoody –
She and her family are canny
A skip through the woods with a basket of goods
To that wolf in sheep’s clothing, her granny

And those three visually-impaired mice may seem cute and nice
But there’s something not right in their nest
We’ll surely find out what that’s all about
With a work capability test

An old dear said she’d spent all her money on rent
And now claims that she lives in a shoe?
But I read in The Sun that though she numbers one
There is room in that footwear for two

That Little Tommy Tucker, he sings for his supper
Now that’s what I like to see!
No huffing and puffing, no something for nothing
He’ll be picking up litter for tea

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
She’ll be getting a benefits sanction
But good Old King Cole can stay on the dole
Cos he lives in a fucking great mansion

He’s paying his page less than minimum wage
And exploiting his fiddlers three
His morals are lax, he avoids paying tax
And all of that’s OK with me

So take a good look before we burn every book
And select a true-blue Tory fable
Play with hard-working dolls or we’ll send in the trolls –
Cameron, Osborne and Cable!

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