They’re marching off to war on woke,
to fan the flames, to fuel and stoke
a cooked-up culture conflagration,
save the fabric of our nation
and every thing we Brits hold dear
from those who’d welcome migrants here
They’ll soon ensure that there is no place
for vegans, pronouns, queers and snowflakes
They’re marching off, they’re proudly fighting,
won’t be conned by your enlightening
For wokeness is an evil thing
that undermines our flag and king
Refusing steadfastly to care
is preferable to being aware
For surely nothing can be worse than
trying to be a better person
They’re marching off to war on woke
To let our cities once more choke
On diesel fumes and chimney smoke
They’re marching to reclaim our streets
For petrolheads and UberEats,
To save the hard-pressed motorist
From eco-terror’s velvet fist,
From traffic calming, high-speed trains
The tyranny of cycle lanes
They’re marching off to war on woke,
to turn their fire on all those folk
who want to end discrimination,
poverty and degradation
They’re going to save our way of life,
the sanctity of man and wife,
where men are men and women tame,
and everyone must be the same
They’re marching off to war on woke
and England expects every bloke
to show the world a real man fights
’gainst namby-pamby stuff like rights,
equality, respect and kindness –
Get this devilish woke behind us!
They’ll see this social progress ended.
They’re very easily offended.
They’re marching off in ranks of blue,
they’re on their way to cancel you,
to tell you that you can’t say that!
It’s nuts to say a batter bats!
And leave our classic books alone!
For free speech is the cornerstone
of Britishness, the crowning gem –
so long as you agree with them
They’re marching off to war on woke,
to save our children from the yoke
of what a braver man than me
called ‘anti-British history’
They’re going to save the nation’s youth
from learning inconvenient truth –
that Empire was not so benign,
but blood-soaked thieving by design
They’re robust, patriotic sorts
They’re massive fans of women’s sports
They’re recent converts, to be fair,
since culture wars erupted there
They cheer on England’s football teams
but will not tolerate extremes
They definitely don’t agree
when England players take the knee
We must rejoice that they’ll defend us
from the range of changing genders
threatening our whole existence
with their ask – nay, their insistence
on using pronouns of their choosing
“It’s all so frightfully confusing
Can’t they suffer without fuss
to make life easier for us?”
They’re marching off to wage a war,
but not for wages, not for more
for welfare, hospitals or pensions,
schools or human rights conventions
’cause all that stuff is woke as well!
It’s on the market, theirs to sell
And as for food and dignity –
they’ll lock it up and nuke the key!
But stop! In case you hadn’t heard,
this spoken word is woke and spurred
This ranting verse is not averse
to celebrating how diverse
our people are, and if that’s ‘woke’,
this poetry can take a joke
This war’s for privilege for the few –
Don’t let the generals conscript you
