The Barred List at the Half Moon, Herne Hill

Right, you lot, before you get pissed
Commit to memory this fucking list
This lot are barred.

Mickey Two Suits, Dick with the shoes
That prick that I caught shooting up in the loos
Flat cap coke fiend, wants his teeth cleaned
Better still, quarantined
He’s one of those predators
Threatening the regulars
Julia Tant, since she pissed in that plant
Dead fucking ringer for a comic-strip minger
And that Angus, drunken ginger
They’re barred, they are.

Staring pervert, stares and pervs
Helmet-wearing ale drinker, gets on me nerves
One-armed Keith, the fruit machine thief
That blonde bitch and her mate Rich
She talks funny, he walks funny
And neither of the fuckers spends enough money
Adam the deaf guy – punched Daz in the left eye
Danny Partridge – he’s back and he’s fat
And you know that ex-con chav twat?
He’s barred, he is.

That South African cadging scammer
Tried to smash up the bar with an ‘ammer
Bad goatee and a pony tail
Belongs behind bars but he’s out on bail
The Glaswegian, the Norwegian
Crazy Linda, loopy Lucinda
She caused that ruck on Coldharbour Lane
Don’t let her come in here again
Spilt her beer on Stan’s new Vans
I’m telling you, she’s fucking banned.

Vitriolic queen – you know the one I mean
Waltzed in this place, saying Hoxton with an aitch
Tall, chavvy fighting idiot of old
Usually nice bloke who’s going bald
Tightwad only ever drinks tap water
Cracked on to the landlord’s daughter
Never leaves at closing time
Likes his tipple with ice and lime
Fuck that.
He’s barred, he is.

Rob Roe and his bro
Gus and his mate Mark – loan shark
Bullied me at school, cheating tosser cheats at pool
That psycho Miller who drank Polyfilla
For a bet. Bloke’s a fucking loser
Don’t let him in this boozer
Fat Paul, Jason Small, Dawn and Shaun
He thinks I didn’t notice him
Sunday when he snuck back in.
But I did. And he’s barred, he is.

I don’t care how hard he is.
He’s fucking barred, he is.



This poem was commended in the South Bank Poetry Competition 2016.

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