Things I Don’t Have

A crystal ball, a magic wand
Any goldfish in my pond
(That’s because I have a cat
And she quite soon made sure of that)
Instinctive urge to deference
Any sort of fashion sense
A strong opinion as to whether
Socks and sandals go together
A way to ward off insect bites
High-heeled shoes or fishnet tights
An LBD or sparkly gown
Much to live for when I’m down
(But countless blessings when I’m up)
A team that’s ever won the Cup
A pressure cooker, tumble dryer
‘Til recently, a deep fat fryer
Place mats, table cloths, net curtains
Floral bed sheets, that’s for certain
Enough flat, eight-stud Lego bricks
The time of day for sexist pricks
A plan, a choice, the time, a clue
Any notion what to do
In awkward social situations
Diplomacy or any patience
A filter on my whirring brain
Mastery of my domain
A patient tongue – well, not for long
A favourite AC/DC song
A skinny waist or narrow hip
A vote for Labour’s leadership
A monkey’s toss to give on earth
How much your bloody house is worth
A motorcycle any more
A working doorbell on my door
A flawless record, perfect past
Faith in every vote I’ve cast
An eyebrow-, nose-ring or tattoo
Or much idea what to do
When someone says hello and I
Can not recall their name or why
A house as tidy as I could
A bath as often as I should
A valet, cleaner, butler, chauffeur
Speech-writer, slave or general gopher
Expertise how cakes are made
Investments in the weapons trade
(At least not ones I know about)
A liking for a pint of stout
Telepathy or quite the knack
Eyes located in the back
Of my own head or, being blunt
The proper number in the front 
A royal baby souvenir
From this or any other year
Physical co-ordination
Any flamin’ inclination
To wait much more for liberation
Freedom and emancipation
The right to get a free prescription
A satellite TV subscription
But I’ve got warmth and stuff to read
So I’ve got everything I need



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