I go mental for lentils
and crazy for maize
I’m in an eternal
pine kernel phase
I’m barmy for almonds
and rice is so nice
And sourdough bread?
Sure! Cut me a slice!
Spring is for onions
and autumn’s for kormas
Summer’s for hummus
and winter’s for warmers
I’m hungry for mung beans
and I’ll snaffle falafel
I’m keen on the quinoa
I won in a raffle
I’ll have oat milk not goat’s milk
and I love kidney beans
I’ll have grains for my mains
and roast aubergines
Muesli usually
makes me smile
But vegan cheese
is fecking vile.
I can’t face this plant-based
concoction from hell
I don’t know what’s worse,
its taste or its smell
It reeks like old rubber
with a flavour of vomit
It even gets thumbs down
from Wallace and Gromit
Spell it with an es
or spell it with a zee
It’s just as disgusting
as a foodstuff can be
I don’t mourn the days
of cheddar and feta
But I hope there’s some scope
for a plant cheese that’s better
Until then, when I see it
I’ll run a bloody mile
Because vegan cheese
is fecking vile.
